muse muses musings;

Disturbia.

2009-09-29T23:41:00.002+08:00

I'm giving up. I don't want to overthink and let myself into overdrive. It's not worth it. I think I'll settle for the superficial, at least it's on a high and there are no strings attached. Sorry, being modest and the nice guy don't cut it anymore. I don't feel anything already. I don't see the need to be real when I get shut off so easily.

Don't give me anymore shit, I'm not some switch you can flip whenever you feel like it.

And, I will move to Tumblr. This place will be on an indefinite hiatus.

So long and good night.

Because I'm me.

2009-09-22T01:42:00.002+08:00

Hi. Wild weekend, and I don't see any signs of it stopping. But but, my wallet says otherwise. While the stubborn ego of mine doesn't really give a hoot.

I don't wanna be phunked anymore, it's just not healthy and it's certainly mindfucking. I just need an air of certainty and security now, that's all that matters.

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY! STUPID SONG IS STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN.

Retards are human too, no?

2009-09-12T03:08:00.002+08:00

I blog as and when I feel like it; not to pacify your sudden need of boredom. Get that right. I don't get where you're coming from, and I really cannot tolerate your senseless logic.

Anyway, I shall not digress too much. My hunger pangs are starting to get the better of me, but I think it's rather deserving given that I don't really get my sweet tooth craving cause I'm stuck in camp for like, most of the time!

And oh! Backpacking is back on the agenda. Can't wait to complete my NS stint so that I can finally realize one of my dreams, like finally! While at that, I'd better borrow someone's DSLR to snap on the way, even though I'm not such a pro-cameraist.

Right. I'm real tired now. Haven't had much rest now but that's gonna change for one night I guess. Gonna hit the sack and help me dad with the chores before he gets another chance to unleash a verbal furore on me. Till then.

Life's a stage.

2009-08-30T16:50:00.002+08:00

I can't stand it when my face betrays me! Has anyone else experienced this as well, when you want to be seen as such, but your facial expression just decides to be a bitch and throw another look? It certainly has for me.

No wonder models spend 489712894724 hours in front of the freaking glass mirror in a bid to perfect their 'perfect' looks.

I think I'm losing my soul too, save me. But I don't really want to feel anything more as well, just numb me with something sweet and intoxicating, I could care less.

Keep me (in)sane.

"Sometimes the life you have isn't the one you want."

Sighs.

2009-08-23T22:35:00.002+08:00

More unexpected news.

Whatever it is, do be strong okay please. I WILL be there for you, I'll try even though I may seem detached at times and yea, now is not exactly the best period of my life as well.

You won't read this, but I'll keep you in my prayers and heart/soul/mind/whatever.

I don't want anything more to happen. I need my closure for the week now. Too much has happened.

The Ultimate

2009-08-21T19:56:00.002+08:00

I saw the mother ruffle her dearest's hair.

An open display of love. No communication barriers; no breakdown, no ulterior motives; no nothing, just plain affection.

I just watched, and wanted to cry out loud bemoaning the circumstances.

I wish I had this much of a fulfilling relationship with my own.

Diaspora

2009-08-20T00:13:00.002+08:00

The news I received last weekend was a bombshell; far from what I expected. Selfishly, I was excited. But after that the reality came to me like a brain freeze.

I just hope that everything will work out. Relations are getting rather chilly and will definitely strain out over the next few days, weeks, months..

Being the over-zealous himbo that I am, I couldn't control my fingers and tweeted about it and telling some of my friends. Big mistake. I actually had to lie to one of them to stop him from probing further. But I had to do it. No other alternative, I'm just not prepared to risk inciting anything stupid due to my foolhardiness.

That day was just a total wreck. When I received that text message, I felt slightly heartbroken. I just wanted to be there for you. But thanks to ___, I can't. But even now, I don't think I'm doing much. But I'll try, as best as I can to help.

Even though my faith is much worse for wear, I believe that the One up above will help in this uncertain times. Thank You very much, seriously.

No more hiccups please, and yes I'll be anticipating the good times when it finally ends.

Nameless boys do it again.

2009-08-15T02:30:00.002+08:00

I never thought the day would come when I
Would be the poison in the pen I use to write
You said you were alone in somewhat of a nervous tone
I guess it was the blank look on your face that was so easy to replace

So then I went and drank myself into an idiot all through the night
Recounting all my paranoid and selfish thoughts but I was right

I made a space for you inside my soul
And let my feelings kill the part that I control
So part of you was me, neglectful maybe cold it seemed
Despite having the wounds we both imbibe, the scars are
somewhere we can't hide

I then stayed up for two more years just thinking of the sacrifice you made
Indifferent to the reason so apparent in the pain
I polished off another drink and taught myself to numb and drift away
For one more night so I could justify the day

So now I entertain the thought of going on all alone
But you are all the life I've ever known

I swear one day I'll get it back something that is already dead and gone
Again i see the trumpet player looking for his song
Don't worry I won't follow you, that part of me is learning to let go
What was a space is like a cancer in my soul

Epic song for now. 4 hours to book in.

P.s. - I'm having recurring death-themed dreams a lot for the past and this week. Is it signifying something bad?

Despondency much.

2009-08-12T22:16:00.000+08:00

I may be on the brink of losing it soon.

Hieroglyphic

2009-08-09T16:40:00.002+08:00

HELLO. TO WHOEVER WHO IS READING. I LIKE PEANUTS. AND CAKES. AND SALTY SHAKER FRIES WHILE YOU ARE IT TOO THANKS.

Recently I've had quite a few epiphanies. Not surprising to say the least but they just came flooding to my mind all of a sudden. Which leads me to want to sort out my dishevelled life ASAP.

My current state:
;Disorganised
;No clear direction as of yet
;Sloppy
;Hopelessly sluggard
;Antipathic

OH GAWRD I REALLY HAVE LOST MY PANACHE FOR WRITING AND THINKING ON HOW TO PHRASE THEEENGS. To put a more stern and abstract effect, I REALLY FUCKING AM PISSED NOW. YES I CANT EVEN STRING A FEW LINERS TO SAVE MY LIFE NOW! Okay. I'm not angry till the point where the mercury splurts out of the 100deg mark, just plainly exasperated.

Yes you heard it, I'm sick of this 5/5.5 work job thingy.

I think I'll go down a bucket of sugar now and twist my fingers till they snap.

Sawadeekapppp.

2009-05-18T18:52:00.002+08:00

Back from the land of smiles after 3 weeks which seemed so long! Was there for a training exercise and boy, was it an eye opener.

Point form cause I don't have bargains with time now. Will post a more juicer update when I have the time.

- Thai food was sumptuous. Pad Thai (Kway teow equivalent), Tom Yam, Thai noodles. And their drinks contain LOADS of sugar. Too much of a sweet tooth for me!
- Locals are very friendly and humble. Which couldn't be said for some of us over here.
- Char Mee and drink aunty was our saviour during most of the days. Seriously.
- Weather was irrational for the body. Talking about levels near the forties. Nearly succumbed to heat exhaustion too.
- JENNY!
- One of the thai shopping complexes had PS2 stations at the corner for passerbys to indulge in. 10baht for 15mins of WE. Innovative.
- Broke one of my personal pacts which I thought I'd never ever do.
- Relived kampung style living as we had to shower via open concept and the rooms were very much wood-based flooring.
- Really enjoyed the floating market's serenity.

Till then, I have to pass my SOC. God give me strength.

Leaving on a Jet Plane.

2009-04-20T18:52:00.002+08:00

It's come to the pinnacle moment of my course. I'll be headed overseas and won't be back for a while, and who knows what (mis)fortunes await me over there. Just knowing how everything seemed so clear to me a few days back really made me sick in the gut and frankly, I wouldn't even care less now given the circumstances.

I implore to the Almighty that I can achieve it. I've done my best, and to see it all crumble before me will just really fuck up all the shit I've been through.

And all that I want now is to be strong, and not give a flying hoot about whether your nails are pretty pink or how you had a bad hair day.

People hurt, and they never recover. A sham, a sham is all it is.

Rush

2009-03-01T20:22:00.002+08:00

Okay I'm enjoying my current course for now. And this week has been rather refreshing for me in a Christian context. And one of my friends actually made an interesting comment about me that I have not realized for the past 19 years. Like woah. Kind of true after thinking it through.

I have to book in now. BYE. (insert 3957280424 expletives)

Refreshing

2009-02-17T00:55:00.002+08:00

Finally caught a movie after so long. The feel good factor was way amplified. The movie incoporated cutback scenes on all fronts and personally, I felt it was rather disruptive to the overall flow. But I am content with the plot and how the actors/actresses portrayed everything. And of course, movies with racial sensitivities as this will never shirk away from controversy.. If you can't guess what movie I'm talking about, it's the one about that teenager who became rich overnight, Slumdog Millionaire. Is slumdog even an actual word? Coldplay tickets are sold out as well, real bummer lor. Now I just need to start saving up for CATS and DISTANT WORLDS.

And I need to make that trip to IKEA to get the board for my wall. Been putting it off since.... I don't know when.

My mum really likes living life on the rough. Not literally. She claims I rather treat friends than her and my dad. Kay I won't contest this fact but it just stumped me. Do I want to feel guilty or pissed? Idk. Guilty because yes, I haven't exactly treated or showered gifts per se on my parents ever since I started drawing pay on a monthly basis. Pissed because half of the time we don't/can't communicate. I'd like to think it's the latter. It's a universal problem, and one which I can honestly say won't change in the near future. Not 1 year on, 2, 3, or even 5.

Ah. I'll try to control myself from now on as well. It's not very helpful to myself if I keep losing my cool at trivial issues (non-related to that above). Ever since I sold my soul to a certain organisation, I've been more grouchy and irrational than usual. Not really who I am or what I want to portray myself as. I look around, and it's just so easy to lash out and lose your temper. Sad to say I've fallen victim to this mad bug as well.

I need that chill pill lingering so far away badly.

Listening to: Here Is Gone - Goo Goo Dolls

perplexed;

2009-02-16T04:57:00.002+08:00

This is what I do not need at this point of time; utmost inconvenient, and it all seems so convenient to place the blame on something else. Be it God, the weather, whatever. But this time, it's something I need to settle on my own. How? Like everyone else had said before, time is never on your side. Nope, no exceptions at all this time around too.

Fuck.

To compound my misery, my pimple at the side of my forehead had to be restless and let my fingers feel blood again.

This is eating me from the insides again, like how it did the other time.

I don't need this feeling right now. Fuck no.

Listening to: Franz Ferdinand - Ulysses

Details in the fabric

2009-02-08T01:26:00.002+08:00

Looking at the small details of things was never my forte. After days of whining and thrash talking I have come to realize that I misread and misinterpreted something.

OF MONTREAL IS PERFORMING IN MARCH. NOT FEBRUARY. And for the whole time I have been whining about not being able to attend it due to camp. Oh wait. It's still hanging on the rocks. I MAY STILL ENTER A _ L C.

Received a sharp stinging bite during training. I don't know what the fuck pierced my skin, but it wasn't nice. Who likes pain anyway. Speaking of pain, my camp mate actually wanted to experience being stung by a scorpion. Now I really understand what people mean when they say you'll meet all sorts of people in army.

And I need more clothes. Ciao.

soundbites: Sam Sparro - Black and Gold (FUCKING AWESOME)

cats.

2009-01-27T20:23:00.001+08:00

And you know;

it's people whom you believed in, that will fail you eventually.

Humdrum

2009-01-18T19:16:00.002+08:00

I have wasted too much time idling. As I'm drumming my fingers on the superring-stained keyboard, my personal diary is being neglected badly. For 2 weeks already! I have the option of bringing it to camp, but some people are really just big time cunts so I'll pass that option. Seriously, I can just lose my mind interacting with some of them.

I'd rather be subjected to prolonged periods of pneumatic drill pollution or screeching of dry nails off a whiteboard than continue on with this mundane phase of my life. Right now all that's on my mind is just pure relaxation; no worries, no responsibilities of any sort that will weigh my sorry ass down. Somewhere like the Great Barrier Island or Capri.. the life now is just so unfulfilling. Me and my section buddies really concluded on this statement during one of them normal and languid army days, that if only we could just be kids and be free again.

Managed to NOT spend on something when I went out yesterday. Kind of proud of myself for being able to restrain my itchy fingers. HIAKHIAK. I shall just save for good food and a few select items.. namely THAT fucking sweet Ben Sherman bag and maybe THAT Agnes B. shirt..

Meanwhile I'm also planning on what to do after my 2 years of service. Yes a lot of foresight eh? This is the extent of how fucked up I feel while in camp. I've listed down some possibilities but I'm not sure if they'll take shape at all or not. Need to follow up on them soon enough and I know my parents would back me for this. And fuck no, it has nothing to do with contracts and 5 year bonds. One of my section mates has a similar mindset along with me so if possible, I hope to achieve this with him after NS.

Thinking of it just tugs my heart stings a lil'. The future SEEMS bright for now!

soundbites: Secondhand Serenade - Fall For You

Bucket List

2009-01-04T17:12:00.002+08:00

WAS AWESOME. Friendships that strong being caved out in like.. 3months? Not possible in most cases I reckon. But it's the movies, and movies like to mindfuck you in all sorts of ways. AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME. I LOVED IT.

When Carter was in the ICU, his immediate family kept close vigil and were extremely close. Which reminded me about something I was thinking about in camp a few days ago. I commented that malay families in comparison to chinese ones, tend to be closer-knit. My malay friend replied;

"It's not the family. It's the community."

And yes, I really agree with what he said.

2009

2009-01-01T17:05:00.002+08:00

2008 has come and past, and all that's left are just little logs in the mind's archives to remember the not-so-eventful year.

Can't really recall much..
- Received my Diploma in Mass Communications from MDIS
- Had a short stint of working for the local-based search engine, RedNano..
- Went on an overseas trip without parents for the first time..
- Experienced and had much more leeway to do new things..
- Became emotionally and physically stronger..
- Got through BMT and had possibly, if not, one of the greatest moments of my life..

So how did I welcome 2009? BY BEING STUCK IN CAMP. Okay it wasn't so much so the duty that struck a wrong nerve in me, but the insipidness of everything in camp. And when everything accumulates it just.. you get it luh. Adjusting bit by bit to life in my new camp, and hoping it takes off smoothly in the coming weeks. Many things to take note of, especially for my conditioning and fitness. The long block leave has really killed me with all the laziness and gluttony!

I wanna get a SLR after ORD! Really need help about the various makes and brands, the pros/cons, etc.. Totally a gadget noob over here.. My sudden inspiration for it? Someone's Flickr whose shots are really intriguing. Showed me many new perspectives and ways on how to shoot everyday sights and objects!

Trying hard to remain optimistic for the new year.. but I feel so dazed already. Oh well. January checklist for myself;

- A new diary
- New moisturizer
- More books!
- Finish up Dec magazines (WHOLE LOAD OF THEM.)
- Try to settle BTT
- PREGO!

Okay I think that's about it and play safe everyone! 1 year and 9 months to ORD!

i'm getting tired of taking the effort to do things.. maybe people really don't care at all?

Burnout

2008-12-16T09:56:00.002+08:00

It just hit me that i've left that ______(insert word) of a place northeast of sunny Singapore. What can i say about my time there? Enriching definitely. For many a people, there'll be mixed variations of their experience on that island, be it suffering in the hot sun or wincing at the smell of the toilets.

I won't put a proper entry up now cause I'm rushing for time, as I'm rushing for time.

And in this period of relaxation, I hope everyone's doing fine. Really.

spread the blues

2008-12-07T02:41:00.000+08:00

I read a note my grandma wrote back in nineteen twenty-three
Grandpa kept it in his coat, and he showed it once to me
He said, "Boy, you might not understand, but a long, long time ago,
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none, but I loved your Grandma so"

We had this crazy plan to meet and run away together
Get married in the first town we came to, and live forever
But nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet, instead
I found this letter, and this is what it said

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see
And between now and then, till I see you again
I'll be loving you. Love, me

I read those words just hours before my Grandma passed away
In the doorway of a church where me and Grandpa stopped to pray
I know I'd never seen him cry in all my fifteen years
But as he said these words to her, his eyes filled up with tears

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see
And between now and then, till I see you again
I'll be loving you. Love, me
Between now and then, till I see you again
I'll be loving you. Love, me

finale.

2008-11-30T03:11:00.008+08:00

Things don't go the way you want them to. Or when you want to be a priority but just end up being pushed back and further into the background. You tell yourself it's nothing but a minor issue. But is it? How much of the thumb sucking can you endure? How much more grovelling can you take before realizing you fucked up badly?

It just takes one bit, one tiny bit before everything comes crashing down. Easy to just simply let go, but showing endurance and grit is where it's all tough. Admittedly these past few months haven't been easy. The little slips of valuable time in between these hectic periods to soul search myself have always hit me hard. Why am I doing these things that I shouldn't be doing? Why am I acting out this way when I shouldn't? Why does my mouth run off more than I wish for it to? During these times when you feel fucking low, it's fucking frustrating when no one takes you seriously. I've known better.

And fuck la, I can't stand it anymore. Endured enough shit from all fucking angles already. What's the use if you continue talking to a blank wall repeatedly?

zz.

2008-11-09T12:28:00.003+08:00

I swear I am losing my mind and thought process slowly as each day passes. Getting frustrated and letting off steam is like the easy way out for me now, and it isn't supposed to be the case. Feels like burying your head into the ground and leaving it there for a day.

3 more weeks or so and I'll be relaxing my ass off. Need mind rejuvenation badly. Field camp was average and the upcoming ST, not very confident about it.

I also wonder how some douchebag people can mistake a toilet bowl for a rubbish bin. Really, really amazing.

field camp loh.

2008-10-27T03:13:00.002+08:00

It's not good to be envious of things, but I can't help it when I see people with emanating presences or charm. It just makes me feel dislodged and unworthy.

Mental strength, need you to be on your ups for this testing week!

Thinking of exotic locations for holidays already. Few places in mind are Italy, Japan, US, Scandinavian areas, Russia, or any other place with a rich vein of history. Sight-seeing a must, good food secondary and shopping a third. Better brush up my geographical knowledge too!

2008-10-25T17:00:00.002+08:00

This week was the shit. Literally. I must have offended someone/something real bad in my past life or current tragic one.

Earlier part of week - Giddyness/Nausea
Later part of week - Diarrohea

So today I was quite pumped up for SOC. You know the monkey-see-monkey-do syndrome. Whenever someone else or the crowd does it, it's automatically deemed correct. Don't know who the fuck started the trend, but it is fucking contagious. (Ya la, my immune system is fucking fallible) After looking on at some of my section mates pounce over the harmless log obstacle in front of me, I was of the impression that nothing can go wrong.

Fuck you again.

End product? A rubbery bruise that sends FUCKING chills down my spine now. Cannot go out today cause of this too. Whole SOC whining like some girl too. To sum up, this army week was very unproductive.

Moral of the story, karma is watching you.

And FC is fast approaching. CBCBCBCB. Soldier aspects aside, I'm thinking of resurrecting my PSP and getting new PC games.

Some of them in mind are:
Total War series
Medieval (If i can find mine)
Civilization series
Company of Heroes (If computer can support)
BATTLEFIELD

Any more to recommend, i'll be duly grateful loads. After which I'll lock up myself at home and be gamerzXzxzXzxXzZxx. k byEzxzXzxzXzxzXXz

please forgive me;

2008-09-30T03:23:00.002+08:00

Please forgive me - I know not what I do
Please forgive me - I can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me - this pain I'm going through
Please forgive me - if I need ya like I do
Please believe me - every word I say is true
Please forgive me - I can't stop lovin' you

and no, this is not going to help me any fucking more, only dragging me lower. and yes, i've contemplated taking this step of cowardice many a time when this feeling kicks in.

you can't take emotional me, i get it. not many people can comprehend the brain's complexities anyway.

incubation of thoughts

2008-09-28T01:31:00.002+08:00

it's been 2 weeks in the army and for most part of the nights where time's given to rearrange your thoughts in order, i've been pondering on a lot of things. i fucking love to ponder, just a natural reaction which i can't stop.

a big part of me has always hoped to have a sense of leadership/ownership instilled in my actions. while the hind beast is just pulling me back severely. can term it as lack of balls or more pussyfiyingly, parents genes. observing around these past 2 weeks, there have been folks with big fucking balls, leadership, initiative, care and concern and the associated crap.

people also remind me that each and every single one has their own unique talent. me? i guess my penchant for making people smile by being a complete nut and disregarding the severity of any situation is the best i can come up with. but half of the time it just lacks, and more often than not it just falls back on me hard.

so, back to the drawing board. i don't think it's self-pity or emofied scribblings, but just being frank with myself. never been good with hands-on and technical stuff, but just all talk, talk which's just for the lighter side of life, nothing more.

overdose of deep breaths can really suffocate you from the inside out. that aside, hope the next few weeks of BMT will be swell.

...

2008-09-03T02:02:00.002+08:00

My laptop failed on me. And it's sticking onto my mind, preoccupying me the entire day.

I can't do much now but just hope it will come out well. PLEASE.

soi'madreamer?;

2008-08-06T10:03:00.002+08:00

So in 2 days time I'll be surrounded by walls which will tell a different story. Horrible pun, but whatever.

I've come quite a long way with regard to my stay in sunny Singapore. From a Block 209 Yishun flat which housed a nice mini-bar and a buttery yellow feel to its interiors, and moving again to a few miles apart - Block 360. Those days where the school bus would faithfully drop us back home. Those days where there was an extra soul in the house who would do the housework and cook the meals. Not forgetting the neighbourhood. A ten minute walk away, and the novelty of take-home Chicken Rice with the concept of "home-cooked meals blow" still ingrained in the puny mind. And coins in the pouch which amounted to $2 tops could make us feel high and mighty as we strode to the store to buy finger candy.

I don't intend to go through all the fine and nittygritty details. Another few years down the road, bar NS, where would I be? Having been sheltered by my parents and all these years, I really think enough is enough. If only i wasn't that spoiled and was made to toil during my childhood.

There are still MANY things I don't know, and to be honest, it's quite scary to go into this world alone. But I have to step up. And undertake these alone. Cause I know, friends come and go and nobody will be there for you forever. Yeap. Reality bites.

Escapism is one of my best friends, ironically it deserts me once in a while too.

Fast Car;

2008-07-27T05:11:00.005+08:00

You got a fast car,
I wanna ticket to anywhere,
Maybe we can make a deal,
Maybe together we can get somewhere,
Any place is better,
Startin' from zero, got nothin' to lose,
Maybe we'll make somethin',
Me myself I've got nothin' to prove.

You got a fast car,
I got a plan to get us outta here,
Been working at a convenience store,
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive to far,
Just 'cross the border and into the city,
You and I can both get jobs,
And finally see what it means to be livin'.

You see, my old man's got a problem,
Lives with the bottle, that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for workin',
I say his body's too young to look like his,
My mama went off and left him,
Wanted more from life than he could give,
I said somebody's got to take care of him,
So I quit school and that's what I did.

You got a fast car,
Is it fast enough so we can fly away?
We gotta make a decision,
Leave tonight or live an' die this way.

CHORUS:
So I remember when we were drivin',
Drivin' in your car,
Speeds so fast I felt like I was drunk,
City lights lay out before us,
And your arm felt nice wrapped round my shoulder,
And I, I had a feelin' that I belonged,
And I, I had a feelin' I could be someone,
Be someone, be someone.

You got a fast car,
We go cruisin' to entertain ourselves,
You still ain't got a job,
And I work in the market as a checkout girl,
I know things will get better,
You'll find work and I'll get promoted,
And we'll move out of the shelter,
Buy a bigger house and live in the suburbs.

CHORUS

You got a fast car,
I got a job that pays all our bills,
You stay out drinkin' late at the bar,
See more of your friends than you do of your kids,
I'd always hoped for better,
Thought maybe together, you and me'd find it,
I got no plans, I ain't goin' nowhere,
So take your fast car and keep on drivin'.

CHORUS

You got a fast car,
Is it fast so you can fly away?
You gotta make a decision,
Leave tonight or live and die this way.

And my heart still doesn't feel right.

sleeping disorders;

2008-07-24T10:40:00.001+08:00

may be what I just have.

Cause of it, I woke up at 6am after 1hour of rolling around the bed. Decided to draw Grimmjow and was very pleased with it.

Hopefully it doesn't do me any harm when I go to Tekong chalet!

play the blame game;

2008-07-23T16:25:00.002+08:00

I've just come across a very interesting letter from someone to her late grandmother.

This excerpt rings a bell..

"As opposed to giving her confidence in her own abilities, you tore her down by downplaying all her achievements in front of your friends"

Palpable hint enough. But the person in context isn't my grandmother. Paternal side, love her to bits even though I can't communicate with her effectively. Maternal, heard a lot of discouraging stories about her but she hasn't exactly done anything bad and it's not something I would really like to pick a bone with. (even though how bitchy I am (: ) Even so, they're way up north and I don't get to see them often. So discussion on grandparents ends.

Move it down one notch and I'm very confident you know who I'm referring to. I didn't exactly care about this in the time leading up to that letter, but thanks to it, all these thoughts I'm repressing just floated back onto shore and crashed my mood triggers.

Whatever. I don't want any more sour notes to add on to this already half-tainted relationship with this particular person I'm talking about. It's not as if I have never tried, I want a lot more reciprocation and openness.

I know God told me to be content, but can't help it when I feel envious sometimes when I see others having a rosy r/s to their materfamilias compared to mine.

creepycrawlies;

2008-07-17T06:14:00.002+08:00

I am shocked at the legion of lizards habituating my house! Every night/morning a trip to the kitchen never fails to reveal those icky sluts rampaging around; be it the basin, food table, cabinet or even the cup holding area.

Testament to these pests - a shower of droppings on walls, switch ledges and besting all, the ledge below the TV sockets. You think you couldn't be grossed out enough after seeing the laoahpek digging his nose on the bus? A better sight awaits you :)

But thankfully, this isn't a problem anymore. Hauling my ass off to my new home in a few weeks time. Any (un)faithful readers of this blog, if you care, it's Serangoon North Avenue 3 yup. I'll lose the right to call a room my own then cause the cheebye(pun intended. no malice though) sister will be invading the little space that the room can contain even for one measley person. And NO, fuck off i'm not complaining.

Need to start sorting out my stuff and bid adieu to the outliven. And again, if any fuckhead reading this wants to help me clear out the junk and with the house moving, tell me. Company and suanning will very much be appreciated. (:

I wanna say a lot more but this fucking FLY is FNAJFnfnFENGelGJNEGlnge on my skin now so BYE LA

Time, I've been passing time watching trains go by
All of my life
Lying on the sand watching seabirds fly
Wishing there could be someone
Waiting home for me

Something's telling me it might be you
It's telling me it might be you
All of my life

Looking back as lovers go walking past
All of my life
Wondering how they met and what makes it last
If I found the place would I recognize the face

Something's telling me it might be you
It's telling me it might be you
So many quiet walks to take
So many dreams to wake and there's so much love to make

I think we're gonna need some time
Maybe all we need is time
And it's telling me it might be you
All of my life

I've been saving love songs and lullabies
And there's so much more
No one's ever heard before
Something's telling me it might be you
Yeah, it's telling me it must be you and
I'm feeling it'll just be you
All of my life
It's you, it's you I've been waiting for all of my life
Maybe it's you Maybe it's you I've been waiting for all of my life

epitaph;

2008-07-15T22:54:00.001+08:00

Crushed like glass.

Played like a fool.

I don't want to talk about it. I fucking hate false and high hopes.

Tired lor;

2008-07-13T05:43:00.002+08:00

Hi people. Okay no people reading here cause of insufficient shameless advertising so hi lonely blog.

Highlights of what has been happening so far recently
-Marcunt came back to SG and had a great time catching up and bumming my ass even more off
-Discovered this new(?) innovative toy Bopit. Kind of fun lorzxzxz but I suck at it HAHA
-Improving my drawings but still far from the level I set for myself

Yea lor. Nothing much interesting going on too. Like Leona Lewis hummed it'll all get better in time, I wish. And can only continue wishing.

she loved the things we can't explain;

2008-07-11T09:07:00.002+08:00

I feel like a complete nincompoop now. While texting KH I actually managed to filter my hearing to miss out on the number I needed to sms for some contest. Ya, that gut-wrenching/heart-hurting/head-throbbing/dick-sobbing feeling is there. So that means 1 hour or so of time wasted, and I need to try again on Monday. OSIM YES. But to me doesn't really have much stronghold in my life cause I'm just bumming my ass away waiting for the army to haul my ass into Tekong chalet.

Are there people who are naturally evil? Honestly speaking (and I'm not one bit proud of this) I think my heart's more on the rotten side. Don't know if it's the sadism that kicks in or not, but still it's not very encouraging lor. I'm damn scared I will go down the street one day seeing someone get hurt, or something like that or the former in drama-mama circumstances.

And seamlessly I will go something like LOL or LULZ or whatever lanjiao internet 1337 sp34|< la. It's haunting at times that I really wonder. We have the choice and brain to decide what's right or wrong but many a time we go with the heart. Like "do what your heart tells you to" or "don't fight your feelings" blablabla all the overheard and cliche'd things.

Not funny hor. When you see a child in a third-world country who's even barely surviving and horribly malnourished. And what immediately comes up in my mind is *fajfiajfawf*. I'm not going to say what, cause I'm ashamed of it and it's not nice to the eardrums. But still, second thoughts make you think and you quickly rearrange your thoughts and everything seems fine again, or are they?

I guess this may happen for others too, but who knows. I don't wanna go up to the almighty pearly gates and then get attacked against cause of this horrible stigma ):

Finally found out the name of this song I have heard on the radio in gym twice or so. Enthralling tune and soothing vocals. MiG Ayesa - She Loved. Thought it was by some chart topper like AAR, Melee or Panic! at first. *shrugs.

fetch that sketch;

2008-07-09T06:20:00.002+08:00

I want to improve on my drawings! ):

travel monologue

2008-07-05T06:14:00.002+08:00

"There, there are seats over there, go sit down."

"Don't wantttt. Let other people sitttt!"

And I twitched my eyebrows at this seemingly innocuous statement. Guess who said it?

Ya la. I wish it was me, want to be some holier-than-thou or some act-altruistic saint but sadly, no. A cutie of a girl (no fucking pedo intent) who mouthed that. As we fuckers grow older, it's as if our minds and actions gravitate towards selfishness. Dog eat dog world, unsurprisingly. Even "close" friends can kick you aside once you do something that they deem unsightly or "not cool".

I realized I don't like overly extroverted or friendly people. Or rather, acquaintances that THINK they know you the very minute when mindless banter is conceived. Aiya. Lazy to explain so much. Bring forth an example to illustrate what I'm feeling now. stupidfreak1 hangs out with you for the first time (He wish I was still in his undeserving presence) and decides to be a complete idiot after an hour or so.

"wow you are really fat. so unglam and eyesore. you should fjknaewkngiwengugn" [and in the mind it goes something like Gar Meng scoring a blow on stupidfreak1's dipshit face. I wish.]

Ya la. Something along that line. And to set the record straight, I am not fucking fat la. Don't want to say what stupidfreak1 said cause it really turns me off and can't exactly recall too. Not only that. He added on a lot more. Like he's the salt that just likes to stick to my fucking open seething wounds. Not that the other people around him were exactly bright headed too. Heard stories about him and (God forbid) I actually felt a tinge of pity for this stupidfreak1. Looks like first impressions can really murder someone. Happened quite a few months back but still, fuck la.

Your mama and papa also teach you not to bear grudges and try to be nice to everyone you meet, and keep on trying even if the opposite party is being a fucking wench or a bloody slutwhore who's humping your dad. But some people really want to make you not like them.

Who needs E! TV when there are such people.

bleah

2008-06-19T03:26:00.002+08:00

What are the things that would make you ashamed? I remember with absolute clarity. My name. People might say it's unique but I think my parents just had a lazy moment and decided to assign me whatever that came out from the top of their heads. Likewise for my sis, or a forgone conclusion that they really suck at giving names. Haha.

Being self-conscious, easily embarrassed me, I hated my name. The nicknames given to me during primary school were garbage, gargarbings (parody of jarjarbings from Star Wars). Absolutely hated it and was itching to kill anyone who used that on me those days. :) The lengths I went to prevent possible moments of awkwardness was amazing I can say. I used my not-so-Christian name to identify myself at home to my neighbours and when I saw one of them at Junction 8 on the way home I swore at that point I could literally shit in my pants. Why? The concept of the name-tag.

Yeah. You can imagine how stupid it sounded. Beetroot red embarrassed I am now, but these are the fucking classic moments you'll just look back upon and give yourself a little pat. Recently did some life/soul-searching and I'm never good at committing to things. And swaying my opinions is as simple as the fucking alphabet.

I think saying too much is worthless too. It's the actions that count, and nothing else.

_|_

2008-06-13T02:39:00.002+08:00

Gar is tired of a lot of things at present, and wishes that they would just go away but it isn't as simple as ABC. He is still figuring out why things happen the way they are, and is rather cheesed off.

The fuel tank is running low, and Gar is having rapid hope loss. The fault isn't much to pin on him, really. SO why the fuck is fate conspiring against him with those other fuckers?

Enough said, Gar really needs a long break. Ironically Gar is on a way extended break now, and it's doing more harm than good. And nothingness, just loathing every single thing now.

Favorable once, but not any more. Don't judge any more, fuck off fuck off fuck off.

vex and hex.

2008-06-11T23:58:00.002+08:00

What I'd like best to do now;

is for blood to be spilled.

or just meaningless hurt.

Yeah, don't go on like you know everything?

Sick of playing all these games.

2008-06-10T22:12:00.003+08:00

It will always be this way, don't bother sugar coating your words. Don't even offer "timeless" or "priceless" advice, it won't work, just plainly won't.

You know something's wrong when seemingly bothersome comments turn you off, but in all its original sense, it's no more innocuous than a smiley.

I can't waste time
So give it a moment
I realize nothing's broken
No need to worry about everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back, got a new direction
I loved you once, I needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you

And you don't understand. No one ever will so fuck off; stop the act.

Nabeh

2008-05-26T05:26:00.002+08:00

No, I don't have anything of note to jot down. But a gentle reminder to all shophags and shopfags around.

GSS IS HEREEEEEEEE. That equates to being kiasu, flooding town with your ugly fuckfaces, shopping at boutiques which prices items at fjwanfkjwansf rates but no it's the fucking GSS so you must buy SOMETHING or ANYTHING there which probably won't even fit your fucking ass well, and making those rich bastards even RICHER.

So go on, shop till you really drop dead. If no money no problem. Get money from (sugar)daddy/mommy, boyfriend, girlfriend, trannyfriend or whichever that applies to you la. Get pampered and feel HAPPY. Greedisgood 2489748927489278424. Make a blahdy point not to go home with less than TEN shopping bags. NOT ITEMS HOR.

I got no marneh, so i CANNOT shop. Hence this farking spiteful and sarcastic post lor.

Whoever wants to splurge on me i will love him/her/it/shim loadszxzxzxzxzxzxz

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Bleargh

2008-05-24T06:06:00.002+08:00

I received one of the RUDEST shocks in my life today.

Was light-headed and all jovial with no care for anything else in the world at that moment (except slacking my royal ass off) when my dad's voice boomed from below the staircase.

"Your NS letter is here."

Fucks. My dad pulled that a few times on me already so obviously being the skeptical me.

"Ya right. Nice try"

"Really"

Usually reply #1 would end up in some cheeky laughter but this i did not foresee. I rushed down and poof. Right in front of my bleary eyes.

The delicately sealed orange-coated giant bombshitload of a letter greeted my shocked self.

Was dotA-ing my ass away so I had to wait for a brief interruption in the game to rip the fucken letter open. And it gratefully came within a few minutes. (as if God was motioning me to get on with the letter -.-)

The first thing I looked for was the dreaded date.

02/06/2008 9AM CMPB

Instantly I went

WHAT THE FUCK

And went back to my dotA game in a semi-doldrum-ed state.

My father took a look at the letter and exclaimed.

"Why report at the medical screening place"

It didn't really come across to me as I was trying to keep myself numbed by screwing up digitalized fuckers in dotA.

Only after the match I realized.

and read the letter more carefully.

FUCK. It was just asking me to go down for a second medical screening. After which, it was as if the clouds were lifted from my brain.

WOO.

A reprieve for me. Better start training even harder now. STOP SLACKING ASSHOLE. And I have a tanning buddy at last! x)

PLUNKET.

2008-05-19T02:48:00.002+08:00

and Matt White/Newton Faulkner.

ARE THE BOMBBBBBBBzxzx. <33333

Really getting into their music these days. Will get my hands on the NF album when the cheque comes in soon this week!

It's also time to pick up new hobbies! I don't want to loaf around aimlessly, it's just harming myself in the long run. A few possibilities?

Photography.
Simple graphic designs with Freehand.
Writing for publications. (have 1 small-time job doing this atm. woohoo!)
Exercise MORE. =)
Yoga? HAHA.

Filtering out all the expensive ones, I think i'm left with these few. Urgh. I'm the sort who doesn't finish what he started off with. So....

Wish me good luck. =|

And why do I feel for things that don't even concern me one bit? It just feels so weird.

urgh.

2008-05-18T03:54:00.002+08:00

I think I may just have a major personality flaw. Or worse, my EQ has actually degenerated to the depths of hell and further.

Sometimes I begrudge myself, and okay. Fair enough sometimes I do behave rather stupidly and it's my fault. But come on la. It's not as if I'm some fucking target at the fun-fair stall and everyone is just aiming the fucking darts at me. I need some slack too at times.

But oh. I forgot. Some of your oh-so-fucking-thick skin can't even fathom the simplicities of THINKING of the bigger picture and being civil.

You think you are much more mature just because of the seniority in age. Please. Just because people don't express or voice their views don't mean they aren't there.

Pretty much broad as daylight that I'm not having the best of days. Blogging actually eases the stress in my life somehow. Therapeutic in ways.

And I fucking need a tanning buddy. Fucks

Title no #1

2008-05-17T04:57:00.002+08:00

I'm back dwelling around the digital pages of this online diary, or commonly termed these days, blog. Owing much to my ever-enduring phases of boredom and restlessness too, what else. And it leads me to figure out how I can actually change myself, whereby people make it seem so simple.

So the father finally got a deal for this 5-room mansionette apartment at Serangoon North! Not very certain about the price he bought the flat for, but I'm hoping he didn't dig too much out of his wallets to bid for it. He also plans to hire some interior designers to refurbish the living hall and bedrooms. Neat. Never had such an arty-farty experience before. Really looking forward to the fresh concepts and associated space manipulations from the ID.

Many little things pique my interest. Ranging from the insignificant freak whom you pass by on the busy streets to the picturesque sunset drafted nicely behind the still sea. I once theorized (or bluntly, cheaply plagarized) that if you think too much, you probably are and no good would come out of it.

The byproduct? Not being content with LOADS of areas in my life and having a splitting headache sometimes. Recently the side of my cheek is hurting a tad bit too much for my liking, and it feels ungracious and bumpy, if it wills. Touchwood, it may be a tumour but let's not be scared over nothing.

Despite apparently being strong in my religious faiths, I have stumbled way out of reach from God and His holistic ways. Kind of agree with one of my buds. I do have issues with God and I don't know why. Akin to a tug-of-war competition between your heart and brain. So am I doomed forever to this forsaken and apathetic being?

Sometimes, turning to a person won't help, contrary to Bono yelping "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own", no. This, and crucially so, is the only time you can depend on yourself. In your walk with God. Whatever you do, please please please, don't falter even further away.

Because I don't ever want any more bad consequences panning out.

Freebies!

2008-05-05T03:50:00.002+08:00

You know how sometimes you are so into your shell most of the time and you want that big break, to break out.

Yes.

I GOT FREE TICKETS FOR FUCKING SPEED RACER OMG.

I don't really have much things to flaunt, and yes. FREE FREE FREE

Typical Singaporean behaviour, and I'm not even one.

WOOOO.

COLD FURNACE

2008-04-29T04:19:00.003+08:00

The title really divulges what i'm thinking of right now. Usually, people bring up issues like the weather, latest gossip, entertainment, or overused cliche phrases like, "you look good today" and whatever cheesy shit associated with trying to suck ass. If I were to meet someone new, no surprises as to which topic I would firstly start off with. With this word connoting my emotions right now.

FUCK

And to really rub it in, my sister told me Dubai's temperatures are peaking at an alarming 40 degrees. To think Singapore was bad enough, think again. Also, Dubai ain't any near the equator. Wouldn't be shocked if I hear of Spain melting or something.

Sticky. Gooey. Perspiration. Sweat. Sweaty.

I can actually perspire when I'm under the air conditioner too. This definitely spells something bad, not counting the cat which jumped into my house this afternoon.

2008-04-27T02:59:00.003+08:00

Sometimes you let slip of your tongue, or when the brain is caught up in the motions, what entails is just sheer idiocy. Has happened to me quite a number of times. No. Not just that. In fact, a fucking whole shitload of times that you can't even count with the number of fingers and toes you have unless your a mutant of some sort.

And, I really dig this quote but I can't remember which movie it came from. Not a carbon copy of it but - "It doesn't necessarily mean a person has grown up. It just means he screws up in different ways." Like how today moley-faced lao ah peks were thumping and kicking the ticketing machine as a result of being drunk. Fuckheads :)

in the middle of the night i go walking in my sleep.

2008-04-14T03:35:00.002+08:00

It's really amazing how things which don't concern you one bit, can still have a stronghold on your day's events. The accolades, lavishings, ravings and all things associated with good. But it only happens in a rather fucked up way.

And I think, what would the developments be if it happened to myself? Not that I earnestly wish for it to befall me (maybe), but streaks of curiosity still hit at my senses.

To whom it may concern, even though I don't know you one bit, I dearly hope you're having a blast up there and rest in peace. Thanks for bringing joy to one of my friend's lives, even though now I can see he's going through some sort of life-crisis.

=)

(I think i may have blogged about this previously but what the fuck)

And you just have to accept that some people are different from you

listening to - Billy Joel: River of Dreams

the Zodiacs

2008-04-12T06:11:00.000+08:00

(Stay)
A-a-a-a-ah, just a little bit longer
(Please)
Please, please, please, please
Tell me you're going to

Now, how your daddy don't mind
And your mommy don't mind
If we have another dance
Yeah, just one more
One more time

Oh, won't you stay
Just a little bit longer
Please let me hear
You say that you will
Say you will

Won't you press your sweet lips
To mine
Won't you say you love me
All of the time

(Stay)
Just a little bit longer
(Please)
Please, please, please, please
Tell me you're going to

Come on, come on, come on and ... yey-yey-yeh
Come on, come on, come on and stay-yey-yey-yeh
Come on, come on, come on and stay, woops!
Come on, come on, come on...

endofthe

2008-04-11T05:30:00.002+08:00

road.

endoftheroadendoftheroadendoftheroad.

Why can't such fucking awesome hits be grinded out now as it was in the old times?

purvey survey

2008-04-04T03:30:00.002+08:00

10 songs you’ve been listening a lot to lately:
Spoon - You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb
Editors - The Racing Rats
Norwegian Recycling - How Six Songs Collide
Aqua Timez - Alones
Billy Joel - River of Dreams
Gary Jules - Mad World
Sonata Arctica - Victoria's Secret (I never get sick of this somehow)
The Feeling - Video Killed The Radio Star
Angela Ammons - Always Getting Over You
Michelle Branch - All You Wanted

9 things you look forward to:
Getting out of the house
Complete the bloody BMT
Whizz pass the fucking 2 years
Spending time with good buddies chilling
Kicking balls
Weekend football
Sketching and doodling aimlessly
Bumming at home
Eating good food

8 things you like to wear:
Ben Sherman 2-tone blueish shirt
Some yellow tee from Haji Lane
Some red tee from Billboard
Greendog striped shirt
Liverpool jersey
Orange shirt from Graniph
Brown tee from wH
Any of my 3/4s or the shorts my sis got from Thailand

7 things that annoy you:
Insensitive people (Being coy about it and being totally ignorant are both exclusive)
People who play music via loudspeaker on the bus/train
Bad hair days
Twitheads
People who blow cigarette smoke directly in your path (KNN)
Small kids who wanna step gangster but just humiliate themselves
Lack of $$$

6 things you say most days:
Fuck
Chee Bye
What the fuck
Bitch
Slut
I'm hungry/What's there to eat

5 things you do everyday:
Stone in front of the computer
Eat maggi
Slipshoddily crash onto my bed
Read
Scold vulgarities

4 people you want to spend more time with:
Friend one who i'm slightly ambivalent about
Friend two who is fucking MIA in Australia now (COME BACK ASAP FUCKER)
Friend three who decided to MIA after being in a r/s
Friend four who is just a friend

3 movies you could watch over and over again:
Just Like Heaven
Home Alone series
Lake House (I'm not a movie junkie - hence the rather bemusing selection but their fucking good to me so whatever)

2 of your favorite songs at the moment:
Aqua Timez - Alones
Fugees - No Woman No Cry (Bob Marley cover)

1 person you could spend the rest of your life with:
God. I mean seriously. Yes seriously stop the fucking laughter

photoGraphiee.

2008-03-11T04:29:00.002+08:00

Maybe I do have an interest in it? Come off it. Anything that's visual and touches into general aesthetics and makes my eyes bleed is definitely in.

The question is; do i actually intend to make it a defining hobby? a la spending money to get a good camera, equipment, tripod, lens, and the associated truckload of stuff that photographers or poseurphotographers seek? It intrigues me, the exploration of objects and places in many a different ways.

To bring myself back to earth - everything I ever map out to do just crumbles in a lazy way, and it makes me want to beat myself in, but what's the use for self-loathing? You can't do it, you're just weak. Period. Finding all sorts of excuses or moaning about it don't get people places. Even better if it's attributed to some personality dysfunction.. blahblahblah. And here I go again confusing myself.

Back to the topic of this post; photoG. I am keen into this field. I really am but a la GarMeng, a lot of things strike out as interest fodder. The only real and passionate thing I am into now is just football and writing (not so much reading anymore). Doing my head in too.

I'll just stop by at Actually tomorrow to have a look. Retail therapy's still the best medicine.

oldschool.

2008-03-06T02:04:00.002+08:00

soundbites : British Beef - Without Me

This when I feel all powered up, ready and raring to go, feeling that I can take on anyone and anything in the world right now.

My soundbites. Nothing else compares.

Take the time to think about
What it'd be like with me around
I know that I would bring you down
I know what I'm like

Take your time to set aside
To comtemplate all of your life
With me around the other side
When you are there without me
Without me

Stop calling
You're not allowed to fall in
Love with me
Stop stalling
For the time to make me fall for you

Don't be stupid, don't be scared
I just didn't want you in my bed
You know our love fucks with my head
It's not, you it's me

I know you're back and sound
But there's no other way to say
I can't be this, I'm too afraid
You're better off without me
Without me

Stop calling
You're not allowed to fall in
Love with me
Stop stalling
For the time to make me fall for you

This ship is going down (x2)
Let's go before you drown

Well this ship is going down
So let go before you drown

Old school music really turns me on now. Gotta search the stores for stuff like Queen, R.E.M., Queensryche, Bob Dylan, Springsteen etc. (more of a mental note to myself) And, I've been converted into the family of insane Bleach otaku. Still, fuck fillers. (reluctant yet anticipating the arrancar arc)

Uninhibited choices await me. But which do I really have the zest for? I don't want to know for now. Maybe it'd be best for it to be sorted casually - and yet it can come to another fucking stinging regret.

Konfused

2008-03-02T04:49:00.002+08:00

I swear this is not happening.

If word leaks out, (touchwood) I'll be so fucking dead, and I'll utterly let down that fellow friend, even though I couldn't really be bothered for his well-being that much.

And again, I hope this doesn't take root and develop into something more drastic.

Fucking sunburn.

Epiphanies

2008-02-19T00:34:00.002+08:00

I was taken aback how time passed as I indulged myself into one of my hobbies - reading. Stories which suck me into lands of make believe and disregard any hint of reality that may bombard me.

A Spot Of Bother is a plain classic. Enough said, strongly recommended. I can't remember any other book that has kept me this excited to ACTUALLY finish the book. (I have a irritating habit of not finishing things I start out to do.)

My friend, let's call him X. X claimed I have a lot of friends or rather connections. To set the record straight, it's nowhere the truth. (: And X is so insistent on getting a job for 1month before he enlists, hope he'll find one that he enjoys doing and not dragging his time along there.

So much more things to do but so little time, oh man.

Fuck

2008-02-17T00:59:00.002+08:00

Liverpool 1-2 Barnsley

Fucking... So who do I place the blame on? Goalkeeper or team?

And the manager whom I so admire is fucking getting on my nerves with his ignorant substitutions. Hell, I rather throw on a bloody reserve who's more enthused and can actually beat a man and produce something rather than a person who's a has-been. And being given TOO many chances for his own good. And the player who was sadly replaced, I feel for him. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU UP TO RAFAEL BENITEZ?

I want to rant so much more about individual players but I'll stop here. Too much blind faith has been placed on such people already, please fucking wield the axe before it's too late. Thanks.

And that just fucking ruined my completely almost-perfect day.

Blanked out;

2008-02-08T02:27:00.000+08:00

Tonight the rain is falling
Full of memories of people and places
And while the past is calling
In my fantasy I remember their faces

The hopes we had were much to high
Way out of reach, but we have to try
The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive

I hear myself recalling
Things you said to me the night it all started
And still the rain is falling
Makes me feel the way I felt when we parted

The hopes we had were much to high
Way out of reach, but we have to try
No need to hide, no need to run
'Cause all the answers come one by one
The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive

I need you
I love you

The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive
The hopes we had were much to high
Way out of reach, but we have to try
No need to hide, no need to run
'Cause all the answers come one by one

The hopes we had were much to high
Way out of reach, but we have to try
No need to hide, no need to run
'Cause all the answers come one by one
The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive

The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive
The game will never be over
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

Audiophilic Instincts

2008-01-30T02:47:00.000+08:00

Theres something that i cant quite explain
i'm so in love with you
youll never take that away
and if i said a hundred times before
expect a thousand more
you never take that away
well expect me to be
calling you to see
if you're ok when i'm not around
asking if you love me
i love the way you make it sound
calling you to see
do i try too hard to make you smile
to make a smile

and i will be calling you to see
if you're sleeping are you dreaming
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me
i cant believe
you actually picked...me
i thought that the world had lost its sway
(its so hard sometimes)
then i fell in love with you
(then came you)
and you took that way
(its not so difficult)
you take away the old
show me the new
and i feel like i can fly
when i stand next to you
so what if on this phone
a hundred miles from home
i take the words you gave
and send them back to you

i only want to see
if you're ok when i'm not around
asking if you love me
i love the way you make it sound
calling you to see
do i try too hard to make you smile
to make a smile
and i will be calling you to see
if you're sleeping are you dreaming
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me
i cant believe
you actually picked...me

well i will be calling you to see
if you're sleeping are you dreaming
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me
i cant believe
you actually picked...me

i will be calling you to see
if you're sleeping are you dreaming
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me
i cant believe
you actually picked...me

Please

2008-01-30T00:52:00.000+08:00

I like that dog across the road; it fills me up with inexplicable joy. But sadly it's no longer there. Cruelly whisked away by fate and into unknown borders; it did not see this coming. It wonders why his master had abandoned it, and mourns helplessly for his return in vain..

I still wonder where the dogs are.

The world of cyberspace can really befuddle humans. Where are them halcyon days? Maybe it would have been better if.. oh never mind. One thing at a time sounds fine yet stressful.

And how I wish to fade away; lying on the beach in deep tranquil or soaking in the waters unperturbed.. fantasy is a fucking bitch.

Feeling

2008-01-28T03:28:00.000+08:00

It's that feeling you get when everything comes to a closure.

That one which you dearly hoped everything would come to and end, but yet when it arrives you miss it.

Yes, that feeling of nostalgia and ambivalence, sickeningly churned together to make you feel not right. It has always been a dread somewhat to sit through practices, maybe
restlessness on my part. But now I dearly miss it, and I can't really say for the past few projects. Only this recent one.

Honestly speaking, I feel at ease with my section more compared to my batchmates now. Reasons aside, the section's getting more bonded and the carefree atmosphere between us is somewhat refreshing. But some borders are still upheld and inhibitions can't be shed easily can they? I still have certain reservations and difficulty communicating, but overall it's fine. Just wish certain things would change but it isn't that easy when the situation arises. And this is where the cliched saying helps - time heals all wounds. Certainly appropriate in my case..

I really hope the next project would see everyone come back together to play as a section again, but sadly I don't think it will happen. It would be selfish to attribute whatever reason (guilty myself :]) for not participating in the next project, but everyone has this point of time where they needs to move on, and I suck badly at that. Really really bad.

Come to think of it, if everything turned out the way we wanted it to be, the world would be much more complicated.

I just realized that computer failures really make me feel insecure.. don't know why too.

edit:/ Sometimes it's irritating when the image you want to portray doesn't happen as you wish it would be. eg - facial expression or mannerism. Even with good intent but displayed bizarrely you could still rub people the wrong way. Shrugs. And it's times like these you want to show something real bad, but realize you have nothing much to prove cause your intention is right.

Wa Lao Eh

2008-01-25T04:12:00.000+08:00

1. I have a bad migraine now
2. I think typing out this post in point form is rather sleek
3. I just knocked my toe against the edge of my computer table and it fucking hurts
4. I still want that PSP Slim although chances of getting it is really SLIM now
5. I don't want to go back to Msia for this coming NY (ask me why please)
6. I need to restock on my instant noodles supply
7. I want to learn more about history, any facet or just many many areas of it
8. I also want to pick up design-related skills to satisfy my interest and not let it die out
9. I don't want my tummy to be expanded
10. I am actually nervous for an Alumni concert for the very first time
11. I think Screaming Jets are a horribly underrated band
12. I need more clothes
13. I have a penchant for screwing up things big time
14. And that's about it assholes

Fuck

2008-01-20T06:23:00.000+08:00

Fuck. I'm being nothing more than a spoilt brat whining and craving for some attention right now but I couldn't care less.

Fucking Mp3 player cannot read my .avi video files - but claims to support them.
Fucking shot myself in the foot AGAIN by downloading from cryptic websites. (freeware)
Fucking shot myself in the foot AGAIN AGAIN by playing lame maps with the usual suspects well pass the time I assigned myself to. (no offence intended to the usual suspects)
Fucking shot myself in the foot AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN by being selfish to my body.

Fucking hell and someone really needs to get punched badly for what he did. No brainer.
Fucking hell I want to get that Psp Slim ASAP even though I know it'll be kinda obsolete soon.

Fuck. And to top it all off, there's rehearsal tomorrow and I am still fucking waiting for the Anti-virus to sanitize my fucking decaying-by-the-second hard drive.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

So I'll just end this post on a fucking sour note.

Fuck.

Lalalalala.

2008-01-19T04:20:00.000+08:00

Listening to - Interstate Love Song/Stone Temple Pilots

I've finally logged on to Blogger after 39483289437294 days! (Or at least it seemed that long to me haha)

2008 has descended upon us and so far, I feel ambivalent about it - in ways I shall choose not to mention. New challenges, and whatever not. New year resolutions, most of the time are almost meant to be made redundant and simply nonexistent. So I shan't even go into there. But what the heck I'll just contradict myself and put up a list of what I hope to achieve. HAHA.

1- quell my fiery temper. (since God knows when I've been trying to sort this out)
2- fix my personality (don't ask.)
3- help in family matters more
4- learn to cook and be more savvy

I haven't been reading regularly for a LONG time. I can feel my english deproving drastically by the seconds and it fucking sucks. This is where the newspapers, magazines, books and endurance comes in. FjsanfjoanFfEFfFFfkmkGMEGM. It's like you set standards for yourself but fail to reach them cause of your own negligence and stupidity. Fuckfuckfuck

Recently some neighbour of mine moved back to Germany and his dogs were given away. I was wondering how they would cope with this sudden(?) loss. Didn't know where they were gone till my mum broke the news to me. It's quite saddening in a bizarre way. As the route home passes by this certain neighbour's home, the sight of these dogs are inescapable. It's somewhat of a fixture to see them. Over these past few months they've just settled steadfastly into my life, when I head out and home. Repeat. Over and over again. And to know of the fact that they've gone, it just feels.... empty in a sense. How to put it in words is hard.. simply indescribable, not too drastic and not too trivial. A perfect balance between these two. It just simply feels, weird. It's been a known fact that dogs are "men's best friend". Certainly true with numerous articles I've read about dogs saving their owners lives etc. Being with a total new stranger could leave them totally devastated. My sister mentioned dogs can really go queasy from not seeing their owner - like how it happened to a friend of her's.

I shouldn't really care but it just bugs me. I'd really love to own a dog one day to enjoy one of life's simple pleasures - raising a pet. Maybe this post stemmed about from me reading about animal abusers in Singapore; fuck them.

Back to rushing 400 pages of a library book that's fucking due TODAY.

Woot.

2008-01-05T00:12:00.000+08:00

I wonder how, I wonder why.
Yesterday you told me about the blue blue sky.
But all that I can see. Is just another yellow lemon tree.

Somehow, in a sick and twisted way. I never fail to shoot myself in the foot.

Or God is just playing his trump cards against me.

And a time-machine, a time-machine would be the sole and perfect belated Christmas gift. (like real.)

void of shallowness;

2007-12-21T03:30:00.000+08:00

Can't quite grasp that simple reality of life.
Can't quite grasp that ounce of indifference.

Genetics and His plans really do make me bewildered.

And the answer has been so forthcoming, what more can I expect? No. It won't turn up the way you expect, but go against your very wishes.

Budge a little from your comfort zone and dare to experiment; and get bitten by guilt.

Don't and be branded a hypocrite.

Step into my shoes for once and just let it engulf your senses.

from a distance;

2007-11-22T03:42:00.001+08:00

So one of my dreams is to go to Liverpool.

Bask in the glory of Anfield and soak in the warm atmosphere of football fans shouting their guts out.

Is it possible? Why not? I'd do best to make this come true by not dreaming but working towards it. Most of my dreams are just simply, dreams. No effort put to it.

Of course this has to be achieved by 2011. I still don't like the idea of a new stadium. But these days, I guess it's money which runs the show, not nostalgia or history any longer.

It'd be interesting to see the world 10 years from now.

how you suffered for your sanity;

2007-11-16T05:02:00.000+08:00

These few songs are etched in my mind half of the time.

- Maroon 5: She Will Be Loved
- Daniel Powter: Bad Day
- Michael Buble: Home
- Don Mclean: Vincent
- Mr.Big: To Be With You
- Extreme: More Than Words
- Lisa Loeb: Stay
- Everything But The Girl: I Don't Want To Talk About It
- Peter Cetera: If You Leave Me Now
- Ryan Cabrera: True

Most are mushy tunes you'd love to listen to when you snuggle on the couch with your lover or sex partner that you hooked up from the street from. But no. Without fail, these songs will repeatedly play on the loudspeaker and fill the whole damn store. Not that I'm complaining about these songs, which are really decent material to take into your soul and ponder at times as compared to fuck douchebag shit. *cough Gimme *cough More.

But, I've slotted good music into my music arsenal, thanks to some new tracks which are really heart-warming to bask in while working. Good music really keeps the blood moving. I had the intention to recommend more songs to play over the system but I'll just limit the number of songs I can't listen to on my Mp3 player from now on. It's a fucking drag when you shuffle your playlist and out comes a song you've been listening to the whole day, not just that, but for the past few days too!

Been addicted to this song recently by R.E.M. Gonna pick up their album soon when I withdraw my greens! =D

charades, pop skill
water hyacinth, named by a poet.
imitaion of life
like a koi in a frozen pond
like a goldfish in a bowl
i don't want to hear you cry

that's sugarcane that tasted good
that's cinnamon that's hollywood
c'mon c'mon no one can see you try

you want the greatest thing
the greatest thing since bread came sliced
you've got it all, you've got it sized.
like a friday fashion show teenager
freezing in the corner
trying to look like you don't try

that's sugarcane that tasted good
that's cinnamon that's hollywood
c'mon c'mon no one can see you try

no one can see you cry

that's sugarcane that tasted good
that's freezing rain that's what you could
c'mon c'mon no one can see you cry

this sugarcane
this lemonade
this hurricane, i'm not afraid.
c'mon c'mon no one can see me cry
this lightning storm
this tidal wave
this avalanche, i'm not afraid.
c'mon c'mon no one can see me cry

that's sugarcane that tasted good
that's what you are, that's what you could
c'mon c'mon no one can see you cry

that's sugarcane that tasted good
that's what you are, that's what you could
c'mon c'mon no one can see you cry.

When you think you think too much, you probably are. Nothing comes good of it anyway, so just stop overanalysing things.

serendipity and the cat

2007-11-15T05:02:00.000+08:00

My wishlish complete(?) with items I hope to get by the end of this year, if not, early next.

- Cologne
- New sneakers/shoes
- More shirts
- New jeans/denims
- PSP (considering)
- Watch
- and some CDs.

This amounts to a hefty sum of money. Of course not all are important, just in a very indulgent mood due to the prospect of getting my paychecks. =D But some are just temporary frills, doing no more than to make happy for a while, and then it goes away and you want something fresh, brand new, and crave for more.

Vicious cycle of make believe.

Oh, and I've realised something along the way in these meaningful/less life. My dad is fucking awesome. Sure I've bitched about him and cursed him etc. (i'd be lying if i said i didn't want him to suffer at times; but let God do the judging.) But he's actually getting me the Liverpool Home jersey i've been saving for, straight from his wallet. If that isn't love, coupled with many other trivial and not-so-trivial things he's done for me, I'd go rape a crab.

And on to my mum... Nah. I'd leave that aside.

You're starting to get on my worse side, for quite a while already. Too bad it had to come down to this; and I don't see the situation changing in time to come.

Why bother when the heart completely shuts the flaw out. Why bother when you're oh-so-correct and friendly. Why bother with anything since the fundamental quality of bigotry is there.

Come to think of it, I'm no way better but you just had to fucking do that which really disappointed me in many ways. I really pity you; not hate. I'd do better than to stoop to your whorish level. Thank God for making me understand so much, throughout these years of fuckedupness.

peripheral musings;

2007-11-12T04:59:00.000+08:00

After days of being out in the blogging wilderness, I've finally mustered some determination to splash out my thoughts in this stagnant shit of an online blog. Work so far, has been tiring but nonetheless enjoyable at times, when I'm able to put a smile on customers' faces. Just gives you certain emotions unconceivable, but you know it's associated with pleasure. Little kids clambering about and shouting their lungs hoarse and playing hide-and-seek around the store, used to be me during those olden carefree days..

Perks aside, I'm shagged out rather easily and losing my temper more often than not. But hey - my mouth muscles are always overworked and they don't exactly get the rest they need. Fiery temperament, that's just me and SLIGHTLY proud of it. But yes, the toll of working hours has really gotten to me and I'm not getting the rest that I need to keep myself healthy. Tempted to quit but still trudging through with the hope of good working experience and making myself useful - for once.

And i'm certainly not helping myself by typing this in the wee hours of the morning when I have work tomorrow.

Bits and pieces of what's on my mind:
- Complain kings/queens who are simply too pampered
- Arduous process of finding your feet AND mind where/when it really matters
- The future
- Parents' safe journey to the Homeland
- Shopping trip soon!

Forgive; to cease to feel resentment against - So do I forgive you when that ire doesn't really relate to the quality time we've spent together, but an unchangeable manifestation? It bobs up and down rather reticently most of the time; but I'd best figure in time to come.

And as hard as I can't really do it, letting go is really the best for myself.

Fuck you.

2007-10-02T15:09:00.001+08:00

If you want to lie, at least make a better attempt in doing so. Please.

.

2007-09-16T17:19:00.001+08:00

This was what my sis left on the computer table for me.

Splendid. So you guys know how much of a no-lifer i am now. x)

2007-09-13T02:36:00.000+08:00

I was walking to the bus terminal with my earphones plugged and tuning in to my favourite tunes when I realized something.

Amongst the cacophony of specimens that is people, I cleared my senses and reminded myself that my mum was strolling behind me, yet I acted like she was a complete stranger.

Surprising? I doubt so.

I guess the communication levels between us have never been that steady since young, maybe it has been there but my memory just doesn't seem to be able to recollect anything from my past.

And that's another gripe about myself I really detest now. Whenever I try to gather the pieces of some faraway memory, it just fails me.

Great.

But have I even tried to converse in speech with my mother? I seriously don't know.

Maybe I tried.

Maybe she tried.

But maybe, we guarded against each other. For whatever tomdickharry reason. I really can't put this straight right now.

It just made me wish even more for a sparkling relationship with her.

And maybe there isn't any more need to try anymore.

Cause she wouldn't even listen anyway.

2007-08-29T18:24:00.000+08:00

RIP Antonio Puerta (22yo) and Rhys Jones (11yo).

It's never nice to see people suffer or die, for that matter.

2007-08-20T13:53:00.000+08:00

90 miles outside chicago
Can't stop driving
I don't know why
So many questions
I need an answer
Two years later, you're still on my mind

Whatever happened to Emilia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis
Or what the wind says when she cries
I'm speeding by the place where I met you
For the 97th time, tonight

Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why aren't you here with me, tonight!?

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you

Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah

Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you

-

2007-08-16T00:45:00.001+08:00

People will only treasure things once they're gone.

How true is that?

I've decided not to publish my original post. I guess it's a little personal and stuff, but the main intention of it - Love and pain.

It can really drive you to depths you never knew you were capable of reaching.

And the amount of shame and guilt at the end of the day, it just haunts you sometimes but there's no point in lingering around and not moving on.

I felt your pain, and I guessed it made me love you. And it taught me to treasure and tolerate you, even though at times reluctantly.

And, the mood around won't be the same. I miss you, gramps.

2007-08-09T04:47:00.000+08:00

Lol. You all want preferential treatment when I don't even get the respect that's fucking due. Venting your anger on me as and when you like it on a regular basis. Treating me like some doormat and then just kicking it aside once you're done.

Only a few people mean the world to me now. Fucking bitchy mood now. If i offend or rub you the wrong way these few days, too bad. I'm bent on hurting people now.

the tangible fact stays. some things are never meant to be spoken and understood by people.

WTF

2007-08-06T00:32:00.000+08:00

...With the kind of responses you come up with and the way you conduct yourself, it's no surprise the world shuns and disregard you.

Don't bull about having innate qualities when all people care is what's on the outside. Weak.

2007-08-03T15:00:00.000+08:00

What does it take to satisfy your
need for someone to blame?
Your need for a whipping boy.
Now you're asking to take that
from me well here's your answer...

Blame me (you can do your best to)
Shame me (anything you can to)
Hate me (tell yourself again)
Go save yourself with someone else.

Ever since we started you were
looking for someone to carry you
Ever since you were hurt you've been
looking for someone you could hurt too
Now you're trying to find that in me?
Well I'm not your savior.

Blame me (you can do your best to)
Shame me (anything you can to)
Hate me (tell yourself again)
Go save yourself with someone else.

I'm not too proud to end this with a broken smile,
Tear down these walls and throw it away.

Blame me (you can do your best to)
Shame me (anything you can to)
Hate me (tell yourself again)
Go save yourself with someone else.

Two papers down. Two more to go. And then it's graduation project, and byebye MDIS.

ygvuvubhki

2007-07-30T03:19:00.000+08:00

1. The phone rings, who do you want it
to be?
- you.

2. When shopping at the grocery store,
do you return your cart?
- after finishing your exam script do you hand it in?

3. If you had to kiss the last person
you kissed again, would you?
- no.

4. Do you take compliments well?
- nah

5. Do you play Sudoku?
- no. not interested

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness
would you survive?
- so definitely not

7. If your house were on fire, what
would be the first thing you would
save?
- i'll probably be the first to run out

8. Who was the last person you slept in
the bed with?
- ...

9. Who do you text the most?
- not for you to know.

10. Favorite children’s book?
- archie comics

11. Eye color?
- blehk

12. How tall are you?
- 1.65m. shut up

13. If you could do it over again,
start from scratch, would you?
- not really. if it's regarding that

15. When was the last time you were at
Botanic Garden?
- aeons ago

16. Favorite ex..?
- game boy colour

17. Where was the furthest place you
traveled?
- aussie.

18. Do you like mustard?
- NO.

19. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
- sleep.

21. Do you miss anyone?
- definitely.

22. Can you do splits?
- can you wank with your leg?

23. What movie do you want to see
right now?
- simpsons and OCEANS THIRTEEN.

24. What did you do for New Year’s Eve?
- go back msia and enjoyed myself, amazingly.

25. Do you think The Grudge was crappy?
- all movies of that sort are crappy somewhat

26. Do you own a camera phone?
- duh

27. Are you a cheerleader?
- are you a bastard?

28. What’s the last letter of your
middle name?
- r

29. Are you hispanic?
- are you a lesbian?

31. Do you like care bears?
- i like myself

32. What do you buy at the Movies?
- tickets and food ranging from popcorn to chicken rice smuggled in

33. Do you know how to play poker?
- nah

34. Do you wear your seatbelt?
- sometimes in cabs only

35. What do you wear to sleep?
- nothing (:

36. Anything big ever happen in your
CITY?
- harry potter maniacs

37. Is your hair straight or curly?
- balding

38. Is your tongue pierced?
- fuck no

39. Do you like Liver and Onions?
- NO

40. Do you like funny or serious
people better?
- a mixture would be fine

41. Ever been to L.A.?
- no..

42. Who is on your mind right now?
- you.

43.any plans 4 tonight?
- nope. sleep.

44. Whats your fav. song at the moment?
- Fighting - Yellowcard

45. Do you hate chocolate?
- no. nuts

46. What do you and your parents fight
about the most?
- random things

47. Are you a gullible person?
- most of the time

48. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend
to be happy?
- i need my bitches

49. If you could have any job what
would it be?
- not too definite to say now..

50. Are you easy to get along with?
- depends on who you are and my mood

51. What is your favorite time of day?
- night/early morning. SLEEP

52. Are you generally a happy person?
- figure it out yourself

- ripped from Friendster. too bored

irony.

2007-07-25T02:09:00.000+08:00

It's very ironic, come to think of it all.

If it really happens then thank God as it's one of my sought-after passions for now. Whatever it is I'm not going to tell anyone. But somehow engaging myself in that activity would warm my heart and just kindle good energy within, ready to fuel and make me raring to go again.

But retracing my steps, I can just pass it off as a bloody fucking joke, no more than mere betrayal. Likening it to stabbing a knife into your friend's back. And revelling in the sweet blood that flows deep from the insides. Blood is thicker than water? I don't buy such fuck.

Do you actually think your act is so conniving? Think again. Coming across it, I just begin to doubt it even more. And even more uncertainties flood my head again, and everything comes to the fundamental word - WHY. So it's either a very well executed act or I'm just plain paranoid. I don't know what to fucking believe, but I'll choose to go with the former.

Much too coincidential to be a coincidence, eh?

Cliff Diving

2007-07-20T23:50:00.000+08:00

Be grateful.

We have a rooftop over our heads.

Be grateful.

We have regular meals and proper amenities.

Be grateful.

We have a whole array of education choices right at our feet.

Be grateful.

We have no political or racial instability, let alone terrorism.

Be grateful.

Most of us are funded by our parents rather lavishly.

Be grateful.

We have handphones and other digital gadgetry allround.

So.

Stop being emo about what you don't have. Learn to appreciate and stfu.

currents

2007-07-17T01:56:00.000+08:00

sore eyes

is

fucking

pissing

me

off.

like

whoever

passed

it

on

to

me

i

hope

that

whore

gets

banged

and

global

whoreming

is

also

steadily

making

itself

more

felt

even

with

a

full

powered

fan

right

next

to

me

i

can

FUCKING

SWEAT

ARGH

FUCKING BITCHY MOOD

2007-07-12T00:10:00.000+08:00

this is a long shot, it's all i have.

Procrastination and laziness is something I have always had to fight. And obviously, i'm always at the losing end, or if not, most of the times, say 85%?

After reading today's New Paper, an article highlighted youths my age who juggle work and studies. Fuck. If these people can juggle mainstream tertiary timetables which schedules are packed more rigidly compared to my non-mainstream slack private timetable, they just put me to shame.

Come to think of it, i've never held steady jobs for more than.. 2 months? Save for that company which i shall not mention who 'sacked' me for no tangible reason.. so much for transparency and whatever nonsense they claim to have. I shall search for a job soon i guess.. not very well-off financially contrary to belief.

I can only hope. ):

what would it be like if everyone was perfect, without a single flaw? thank goodness we're all fucked up and in need of help in certain areas of our life. i guess if we were 100% foolproof, the world will be even more.. blech.

Hot Hot Heat - Middle of Nowhere

bleah

2007-07-09T00:47:00.000+08:00

Quoted from Wikipedia.

"On June 26, 2007 the band's reunion was announced by Jo Whiley on BBC Radio 1. The Verve is to release an album at the end of the northern hemisphere summer of 2007 which will coincide with a tour in November 2007. The tour starts in Glasgow on November 2nd, and will include performances at The Carling Academy Glasgow, The Empress Ballroom and the London Roundhouse.[2] The band stated it was "Getting back together for the joy of the music".[3] Missing from the band line-up is Simon Tong, who continues to work with The Good, the Bad and the Queen.

The initial aftermath of the reunion announcement was followed by an overwhelming outpour of excitement amongst their fans. While band management opted for the strategy of booking a limited number of tour dates, out of fear of a deterioration in fan base, tickets for their six-gig tour slated for early November 2007 sold out in less than 20 minutes. The band's newly created MySpace page had been visited 30,000 times in its first two weeks. This has created circulation rumours that the band will eventually hold a gig in their hometown of Wigan; almost ten years after their well-remembered concert at Haigh Hall that was attended by 40,000 fans."

First it was Spice Girls, now The Verve. next we'll probably see a Backstreet Boys reunion or even Boyzone. Who knows, but of course The Verve is the one i'll be keeping my eye on. Spice Girls... maybe. They have nice songs too, like Mama and some other cheesy bubblegum pop. And i admit, i used to listen to them a bit when they were the 'in' thing. HAHA.

If you think that was cool you have another thing coming for you bro..

Sad Songs - Frames

2007-07-08T02:07:00.000+08:00

i figured out you can't have the best of both worlds. if you go with plan A, it'll be this. or plan B, it'll be that. if you scold someone, he/she will probably think you're a complete asshole. and if you don't and act smiley all round, it's so hypocritical. so what the fuck do we do? act on our instincts or just do what everyone else thinks is right?

human behaviour is very interesting.

and do i think it's worth it? not really. definitely some people are not meant to be close to you no matter how much you try. it'll just be plain old disappointment and more regret.

i shouldn't even give a fuck about you. and the rest of them anymore. but you make me worry sometimes and being caught in between decisions isn't really that fun. how i wish that God would make me a fucking bastard. getting disillusioned real bad, imagining that everything's well. but it certainly isn't. i wonder how you make it through sometimes. as i said, human behaviour is so interesting. and baffling that the mind is still one of life's greatest mysteries..

just an ideal way of putting across why we shouldn't really live our lives for others.. or putting so much faith in something that may backfire in time to come. living up to other people's expectations? don't put your penny on that.

p.s - anyone interested in going to Corrine May's concert?

Garcia!

2007-07-06T00:51:00.001+08:00

Luis Garcia, my all-time favourite Liverpool player has been offloaded to A. Madrid for a reported paltry sum of around 4million pounds. I will sure as hell miss his enigmatic performances and his thumbsucking goal celebration. Extremely gutted that RB didn't really do much to keep him, and that he wanted to return back home to Spain to win trophies. Well, can't change his decision. All the best LG, thanks for the memories! I'll fucking won't enjoy Liverpool matches that much any more. ):

p.s - It's nice to see my sisters being agitated over his transfer. HAHA. Obviously my influence has rubbed off on them.

Luis Garcia
He drinks Sangria
He comes from Barca
To bring us glory

He's five foot seven
He's football heaven
So please don't take our Luis away

And a tribute video.. some of his goals he scored during his spell at Liverpool. From simple prods to unstoppable volleys, he's the man for the occasion!

Farewell Luis Garcia
Uploaded by redhalfofmerseyside

And i'm still very emo over his departure ):

2007-07-04T01:45:00.000+08:00

i still am so tempted to question so many things. and apparently today's unfolding of events, just makes me all the more eager to know WHY.

i'll never understand WHY. and will never ever get to anyway. just as it's mentioned.. some things are not meant to be known, and instead. learn and grow from the process itself rather than seek the answers.

the fucking hell why. i still want to know. maybe i will do so in time to come.

am really in a fucked up mood today.

saliva - rest in pieces

driftwood.

2007-07-01T11:56:00.000+08:00

paced down the walkway in the breezy december night. face down, leering at the rocky pavement, digging to the random and quite-catchy tunes plugged into the trusty 3year iPod by Elle. suddenly the track ended, and a melancholy tune rang vividly in the ear. seems so familiar, but couldn't figure out it's origin. walked on, and it seems 3/4 of the max audio capacity didn't help drown out the incessant noise around. playful screams, chitter-chatter, and an occasional car honking at inconsiderate and oblivious road hoggers. glancing at the stolen watch, it was just minutes to midnight. in 20, all hell will break loose, so say the meteorological institute. violent winds will swipe past this town so rich in history, and all left would just be so inane, as if nothing had ever materialized in this part of the world. people around still so shallow, not realizing the severity of the situation, just asking for it. 10. have to make it to the underground bomb shelter. still, folks playing and making hoo-ha. deeper into the town center, a huge crowd of people were scrambling for a spot of security, not concerned about anyone else's. people (some even being young children) being brushed aside, trampled on, trading slight blows just to ensure their survival. local police were always a disappointment. never able to handle riots and trivial cases. thinking about major heists and whatnot, it seemed a waste of time even to delve into it. 5. headed to the a side alley in order to avoid the onrushing and paranoid townsfolk. if you're meant to die, then die already! no use battling fate, he thought. lighting up a cigarette, he suddenly stopped next to a derelict building. vague sketches fronted the run-down signboard. could make out a "As" and "B". memories suddenly flooded back in so fast, like a tsunami. She. all so sudden it made him crazy and fighting back the introspection, certainly not helping in this time around. more and more people arriving in the town centre and the culling seemed to be coming for select unluckies. it seemed he wouldn't be spared. the unfortunate fools and motionless buildings swept away, as the winds willed. fate killed him in the form of the tornado, and he would just be another statistic in the books..

bgtgt4

2007-06-30T00:16:00.000+08:00

learned so much about certain people within these few days. and what a fucking major disappointment, for some of them. so many excuses, incompetencies and fucking shallow personifications.

and for a start, if you want to find the better things in life. you should just stop to smell the roses. look up to the sky, and be bloody grateful you aren't in iraq living in turmoil or some overworked kid in a third world country.

lastly, some fucking weirdo is stalking my classmate. you had better fucking leave her alone. asswipe.

2007-06-27T00:33:00.001+08:00

post-gaming blues. so i'll just do some surveys ripped from friendster. courtesy of lynn (:

1. Have you ever fall in love deeply?
- yeap. with myself

2.Have you thought of suicide bcos of love?
- nah. not even that much to slit my fucking wrist

3. Did you pass ur PSLE?
- like duh?

4. Do you have beautiful memories?
- of course.

5. Do you take breakfasts?
- nope. hardly.

6. Are you in love?
- nopeee

7. Do you have a crush now?
- not really. (:

9.Who is the person u smsed with?
- aiya. last person smsed = sandy

10.Whoes at home?
- family

11.Are u attached now?
- nope. same question as just now wtf

12.What cca are you in?
- er. alumni band?

13.What games do you play?
- DotA. football. and some other random lame games

15. Do you like ur school?
- average. some days are fun while some days just make you puke

16. Do you have true friends?
- i won't want to answer this.

17. Prefer single or attached?
- SINGLE. FREEDOM

18. Are you a guy or a girl?
- bitch. (:

19. Have you matured?
- what a lame question. frankly, far away from that point.

20. Have u gt ani sickness?
- some lame blood allergy..

21. Are you healthy?
- don't think so!

22. How many cups of water do you drink
daily?
- much less than the required intake

23. Do you like your teachers?
- err. i shall keep that to myself. later kena sue. (:

24. Are u a joker or a cold person?
- depends on my mood. can be both.

25. Do you love your parents?
- divided. don't press me for this answer.

supposed to have completed public relations assignment by today. but overshot in my gaming. so i'll probably rush through it tomorrow. don't want to get a D this time round.

energy - apples in stereo

ew

2007-06-26T13:50:00.001+08:00

2 eerie dreams today, sure as hell beats me. but subconciously dreams reveal what you really desire. and it's so bloody true, so accurate, so undeniable so much i feel like barfing and throwing you down the chimney.

Got your tape and it changed my mind
Heard your voice in-between the lines
Come around from another time
Where nobody ever goes

All alone on the overpass
Wired and phoned to a heart of glass
Now I'm falling in love too fast
With you or the songs you chose

And all the stars
Play for me
Say the promise you long to keep

I can hear you singing to me in my sleep
I can hear you singing to me in my sleep

I've been living in your cassette
It's the modern equivalent of
Singing up to a Capulet
On a balcony in your mind

In the city, the lion sleeps
Pray to Sony my soul to keep
Were you ever so bright and sweet?
Did you ever look so nice?

And all the sounds
Dream for me
Dive me down in a soul so deep

I can hear you singing to me in my sleep
I can hear you singing to me in my sleep

the klaxons - gravity's rainbow

xaxax

2007-06-23T01:26:00.000+08:00

lately in my mind i've been wondering about a lot of things. issues in life and many other random stuff. like why is he/she doing this, why can't it be like that, why am i thinking about this and not that etc. you get the idea..

so many thoughts. feelings. insights. that i can't really process in my head in an orderly manner now. so much has happened. it's just a rollercoaster wreck of emotions. okay maybe i'm thinking too much. but sometimes when you start thinking, you can't deny the fact that certain things are true and intrusive in your life, even if you want to forgo it and move on.

sometimes being alone, say on a trip home or to whereever destination isnt that bad after all. and when the mood is set to go into a contemplative mood, you'd just wish that you won't bump into anyone. observing people's antics, the surroundings, noting it's fine and simple details that sometimes make you bat an eyelid and wonder. of course, not with such an intent gaze that may seem offensive. i've come to learn about myself A LOT by doing this on the bus/train. anti-social moments like these are few and far between also.. judging by the environment at times. noisy chatter etcetc. you can't have everything for yourself after all.

i think i let my mind go wayward too many a time, if not, all the time. sometimes it just drives me to nuts.

to all my juniorcollege friends taking exams in a few days time, all the best and God be with you.

kenny g - sentimental hooked on it!

dasdsad

2007-06-21T21:22:00.000+08:00

woot. thank God for my results. didn't fail any module and i'm getting $50 for that A from mother. shioooook.

some people seriously are very insensitive. i know there wasn't any harm intended but the brashness of what you said just irked me off, big time. super turned off by what you said. you might want to look at the mirror first.

if only i was more forthcoming about things. tsk.

dsadsadasd

2007-06-20T01:53:00.000+08:00

what's new. you say as you drag your feet down the commonplace streets of the bustling city. bumping aside murmuring adults and avoiding glances, you hurry to the bus stop in hopes of beating the rain. what's new. you ask yourself again. the normalcy of city life. people walking past as quick as lightning, without bother to who's on the left or right. typical street corner gangs crouching at the sides, spoiling for fights. the ageing senior citizen peddling for customers with his little ice-cream pushcart, fixed with an umbrella of sorts. of course it wouldn't be able to shield him nor his stocks from the impending downpour..

a right turn pass the street, and you're there. peeking at the commuters from the corners of his eye, what's new. nothing out of the ordinary. nothing unusual, or to put it, nothing satisfying enough to be worth paying attention too, so says the sadistic inner self. a majestic hotel emblem and its name plastered together on top of the building, with neon lights shining itself down, instead drew his concern. but it was shortlived. a fistfight developed out of misunderstandings, childish beyond doubt. asking yourself again. what's new. and you couldn't have asked yourself that at a more appropriate time.

you watch the bus pass by... further and further away. and a sigh. what's new?

tag replies
nora: yea. but i don't really lose it that much now.. or im trying too. haha.
ansley: you? dont kid me. im a good subject thats why it turned out nice.. (:
shanhui: stupid whore. when are we gonna meet up for a meal or something???
xiuli: sounds like a compliment..? haha.

2007-06-19T02:53:00.000+08:00

as you gaze down from the skyscraper, eyes transfixed on the little sporadic splotches around, called people. looking nomadic and out of sorts, wandering around aimlessly. suddenly it all happens within a blink of an eye. they are all gone. vanished. just as quick as you saw them, they disappeared as fast.

the calm AFTER the storm.. never seemed so quiescent and lulling.

asdd

2007-06-14T02:11:00.000+08:00

Saints Alumni Band practices will resume on the 30th of June, at 6pm, usual venue @ SAS band room. i think this is the moment most of us have been waiting for, and it's finally confirmed! can't wait can't wait omg. give me a choice between instant noodles and this and i'd take..

instant noodles. HAHA. okay lame. on top of that, a gentle reminder to any saints alumni band member who may be reading this. 230607. a gathering for the band at SAS. most probably a buffet but logistics not confirmed yet. yay.

noticed that i've been on a yoshinoya spree recently. eaten it like.. 3 or so times in the past week and definitely not stopping. the mayonnaise spread on the rice + greenies + salmon (kinda ripoff though) = ecstacy, for me at least.

ultimately, instant noodles still rule! =D